From “The Problem with Women is Men,” Posted on Oct. 14th, 2008.
Cougar. MILF. Two words that keep making their rounds in various subcultures. For those in the un-know, let’s define these terms—err… at least, offer the media-infused definitions:
Cougar: A woman over 40 who pursues, dates and “plays” with younger men… sometimes significantly younger
MILF: A simple acronym… Mom I’d Like to F*ck.
Driven by the media, these terms are creeping into everyday vocabulary and life: from Barbara Walters’ interview with the women of The View to the multitude of websites dedicated to “assisting young men” find, attract, and date said Cougars and MILFS: dateacougar.info, milf-date.com, and milfdatelink.com are just the tip of the iceburg… but Sherry M. is all in favor of it.
“I’m [over 50] and have been dating men 10-20 years younger since I was divorced at the age of 38. Being single and ‘looking’ for the past year (I had been with a 38 year old for the past six years), I just recently registered on an online cougars dating site. I hadn’t thought about being a ‘Cougar’, but in trying to better ‘target my market’ (I am a marketing consultant), I realized I needed to find a site that specialized in older women looking for younger men. I have to say, I was amazed that most of the men on the site seem to be looking for women 30 years older, and I had hoped to meet someone at least older than my youngest child… and most are not looking for stable relationships. I find the men meet who are my age are often “done” with life… no more questions, more passion… and if they are still alive, they wouldn’t consider dating someone as old as me! They’re looking for much younger women.”
Edgy? Sure. Are the terms cute? Perhaps, but it depends on who’s saying it and how it’s said. These labels have been assigned to women for their actions, behavior, attractiveness, body type, or lifestyle. And as with any label, each comes with its own perception. I went in search of a reality-check on these terms, and spoke with women from all walks of life. I was greeted with a multitude of responses, ranging from “Hell yeah! I’m a Cougar, and DAMN proud of it!” to “WTF is this about? Why am I a cat because I’m dating a younger guy?”
Case-in-point: “Pamela from Maryland”—a “seasoned and spicy 50 year-old”— loves the term: “Well, the Cougar label is better than a ‘hag’ label! The image of a cougar is strong, sleek, confident, playful, fierce, protective —and very capable of taking care one’s self.”
But where did the terms originate? Reports and opinions vary, but Pamela has a theory that is more probable than not: “I believe that the label ‘Cougar’ was coined by a really pissed off ‘twenty-something’ [woman] who saw her [male] prey enticed and conquered by a more experienced woman with more to offer than sex. Let’s be honest—a label is a label; street vendors sell knock-offs [of designer labels] constantly. A true Cougar laughs off the disparaging comments, and anyone entertaining the thought of getting involved with a Cougar must realize that 1) we don’t need anyone to feel or be complete; 2) our time is important to us and we’ll invest it where we’ll get the most return; and 3) will everyone please just lighten up? And by the way….who’s to say MILF doesn’t mean MEN I’d Like to F*ck?”
Although similar and cut from the same cloth, Cougars and MILFs are different, and after speaking with over 100 women about the positives and negatives of the label and personal/societal perceptions, I was faced with very different comments and opinions. We’ll tackle MILFs tomorrow… for now, let’s look at the cats.
COUGARS
The word itself denotes a cat with a hunter’s instincts and actions… a predator, if you will. And that caused a stir with Donna Moore (singer, actress, and writer/producer of the theatre production: COUGAR! A New Musical—which is currently running off-Broadway, check out www.donnamoorediva.com): “I think there’s a double standard. Now that women are dating younger men, society wants to vilify and predatorialize women calling them a Cougar. A number of people have asked me what you call an older man who is linked with a younger woman and I’ve researched it… it’s called a man.”
True, Donna… other men call him “lucky”.
So, is a Cougar a 40 year-old+ body-image-focused, younger man-dater? Maybe, but there’s much more to it than that. “[Society] also sees Jennifer Anniston and Demi Moore [as Cougars],” said Pamela from Maryland. “I think women in their 40’s are just ‘coming into their own’, and realizing their ability to take control of their lives and how much fun life can. It’s all about attitude.”
And that attitude can carry over to all parts of life. With that said, is being a Cougar about dating and sexuality? Or is it finance and security? Or maybe it’s body youthfulness? A partying lifestyle? Maybe, and I heard from women in all these siloed walks of life… but being a Cougar is about he combination of these traits, despite what the media might “define” as a Cougar:
“The ‘notion’ of being a Cougar is based on what the media projects…” continues Pamela, “which is dating and sexuality first and foremost —hey, it gets the ratings. But if you actually looked at a woman who perceives herself as a Cougar, you find a very confident, no bullsh*t woman who has seen it all—been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, and is not threatened by a younger woman. In business, it’s every woman (and man) for herself (or himself)—the bedroom rarely plays into the boardroom anymore. [Cougars] prove our existence every day, and can relax at the end of the day with a chilled Grey Goose and a smile.”
And Kristen S. agrees: “Cougars defy the societal stereotype of age—or more accurately, they ignore it. It’s definitely about sexuality though, which comes from a confidence and wisdom a woman gains from life experience. Sexuality, especially for women, is so psychological—I view cougars as women who know who they are and have gained wisdom from life experience—and that is sexy.”
“The term Cougar is used when discussing dating and sexuality,” said Susan Hartzler, president of AlphaDogPR. “But a Cougar is someone who has it all together to be attractive to any man, be it young or old. She is financially secure, has a youthful spirit and joie de vivre that cannot be bought, or found in someone in their 20s. You have to have lived life to know about how to live YOUR life. I would much rather be labeled a Cougar than an old broad or worse—a spinster. There are words that are much worse than Cougar that the media could have come up with to use. I think Cougar works. I’m proud of my age. I’m proud of my Cougar status. I still turn heads. I still get whistled at. Until that changes, I’m still purring up a storm!”
“The cougar upsets the status quo in many respects, said Karin Anderson, Ph.D. at Concordia University. “In our culture (with the strong possibility of evolutionary factors playing a part here as well), women are valued for their physiques, while men are valued for their power/influence. Therefore, young women rule and older men rule. The cougar intimidates young women in that she looks much like they do yet has what they don’t—confidence, financial means, security, command of her sexuality, and a strong sense of self. Therefore, it is likely, that young women are the most threatened by the cougar. In fact, I was first introduced to the concept when a friend in her mid-twenties called me a cougar. She was joking, of course, but clearly the term appeared in her vernacular long before mine.”
I spoke with a number of self-identifying Cougars that were clear that they were after younger guys purely for fun. But I also spent time with Debbie Nigro, who summed things up beautifully: “When women are in their 20s, they are looking to procreate with… when they are in their 40’s, they are looking for someone to recreate with.”
And as the Co-founder and Chief Executive Girlfriend (self-titled) at FirstWivesWorld.com, Debbie would know. Her site focuses on assisting women put a new face on divorce, thus creating another “happily ever after” for themselves. She and I spent a lot of time talking, and separating the media hype from the reality of Cougars:
Charles Orlando: Do you like the term “Cougar”? It is accurate?
Debbie Nigro: The media and society defines a Cougar as a woman who dates or carouses around with a younger man. But it sounds predatory, and it’s not completely accurate. I want a new word. I actually ran a contest to find a new word on FirstWivesWorld.com. Maybe “Cougaress” is a more accurate term.
C.O.: Cougars: Are they looking for a mate, or looking for a date?
D. N.: It varies. The bulk of women who are back in the dating game are older, but the dating pool is more “shallower”… mostly because men dripping with testosterone need to validate their masculinity with a younger woman.
C.O.: How do you think this metamorphosis takes place—from woman to Cougar?
D. N.: When a woman is younger, she is insecure. As she ages, she finds her femininity—her sexuality. Cougars are confident and secure… and choose to enjoy the company of a younger man. But the stereotypes are completely inaccurate. SNL did a skit: Cameron Diaz in tight stuff, but it ended up really raunchy, depicting Cougars as “old comfortable shoes… billy goats that fight each other for prey.” Cougars are not predators trolling for younger men. We’re confident, not desperate.
C.O.: Why are Cougars getting into the mainstream now? What’s special about this time?
D. N.: There are many variables that have caused this change: The increasing earning power of women, opening new businesses, choosing divorce. And, women now have ‘permission’ by society to be dating a younger man. It’s more accepted.
C.O.: “Cougars are over 40 years old.” Agree or disagree?
D. N.: Disagree. Cougars can be any age, shape, or size… and don’t have to look like Cameron Diaz. Besides… it can be nice to have a younger man… even amusing. Some of the younger guys love it. No strings. No drama.
C.O.: What about relationships? Commitment? Marriage?
D. N.: Cougars aren’t like a younger woman who want to get married. That’s all a game. Cougars are much more confident. For women, it’s nice to just be carefree… no worries… just fun.
Cougars… your power has been explored. Thursday… the MILF.
View the entire Cougar and MILFs article available online.
Okay, so I haven’t even sent out the current Holiday Trendsetter release yet but I already got a major media placement for one of my clients. Victory Wines is going to be featured in “The Scoop” section of the next issue of ANIMAL WELLNESS which hits mid January! In case you don’t know about Vicktory Wines, when Michael Vick’s house was raided last year, there were 48 dogs rescued. 22 of them are currently being rehabilitated by Best Friends Animal Society in Kanab, Utah. Dog Lovers Wine Club is supporting that effort by announcing the release of the Vicktory Dog Wine Collection of labels commemorating these dogs and bringing continuing awareness to the anti-dog fighting cause.